(no subject)

this feels bad. i'm working on it, but tonight it is painful. it's the inside of my body trying to beat its way out. there's a stone in my stomach, a cannonball. there's an angry energy pulsing through my skin. a new neck twitch when i'm trying to lay flat, to relax, to sleep, to put my head back against the headrest in the car to take a fucking deep breath. this reverberation along the taut biting wire that is my spine. is this in my head, is this in my body, is everything connected. Anna keeps referring to my "integration" and i always know what she's going to say before she says it. it's like "what the fuck is going on here?" but also "finally, here it comes."